Is it okay to maintain a friendship with your ex while in a new relationship?

There are exes but there’s always THE EX.

P.S. This might be my longest post so far. I’m not sure I want to divide it into parts, but at the same time, I really do not want to bore you. It’s quite a tough decision to make, and I’m not sure what I want to do or how to go about it.

I was in an event somewhere in Lagos last two weeks, and not so coincidentally met up with a childhood friend. You know, it was exciting meeting my friend offline after many years between our growing up so we decided to talk over lunch. This was where she opened up about the large leather gloves under her eyes. Yea, you guessed right; it was an issue between herself, her boyfriend (who might be an ex soon) and an old love (Her first love like she put it). I answered her the best I could while asking if I could use her story for this post, seeing that I have been meaning to write about this awhile now but just haven’t been able to get a more relatable case. This would have come last week but I got hooked with something that was beyond my control, and I’m really sorry about that.

I know you want to hear the story, but then I’ll only be summarizing it. There’s really no need telling you about our dancing shaku shaku in public and embarrassing our generations to come.

Here we go: She was in an intense relationship with her old love for many years (I grew up seeing them date before her family moved). It was more of a “break-up-get-back-together” kind of relationship filled with some elements of toxicity. When they break up, or to put it more aptly, when he breaks up with her, they both get into new relationships which never lasts and true to the cycle, they find their ways back to each other, every time. She has four exes excluding this old love, and she’s friends with two including this old love. One consistent thing about their relationship is that they always remain friends after every breakup, maybe from getting so used to having one another in each other’s lives or nothing. Early 2017, she started seeing someone new after another breakup with said ex. According to her, this one is everything the “toxic” relationship with her ex never offered her. She and her new boo lived together in new boo’s apartment while working at different organizations in the city until recently. Well, their relationship had been threatened because of the friendship she keeps with the ex even when all she does is assure him that she loves him alone and is only friends with her ex because he makes a better friend than lover. Her current man doesn’t get it because he too has his own exes and even one he was pretty intense with, but does not indulge any. Well, well, here’s the stinger: Her boyfriend moved out of his apartment to a hotel two weeks ago after this old love facetimed her around 2am until the crack of dawn to discuss what friends discuss- work, family, old times, troubles and his birthday. New man packed his things and told her to take her time until she could move back to her apartment while telling her that he didn’t understand why she still indulges and idolizes someone like that if he (new boyfriend) isn’t just one of her many rebounds to finding her way back to him (ex). Now she misses him and wants ‘her baby’ back even though she’s still on speaking terms with the ex who she says isn’t filling that void for her anymore

She doesn’t understand why he’s finding it so difficult to understand that she loves him so much and will never go back to the old guy, and that all they’ll ever have is just a friendship. According to her in not so exact words “Ebere, I think this is the first time I’m actually loving somebody and receiving the kind of love I have always deserved. I used to love xxxx purely but honestly I do not anymore. I am feeling a void like never before that even xxxx cannot fill anymore. Why is my boyfriend so insecure like this? I can’t just stop being friends with my ex like that, it isn’t that easy, and I want my boyfriend to come home or at least take his calls.”

Wheeew, that wasn’t a summary right? Did you just say yes? Wow, but that was really a summary. When you are able to summarize a two-hour plus conversation into few lines, we’ll talk again. For now, please give me the credit I deserve, aye.

Do you want to know my take on this whole being friends with an ex thing while in a new serious relationship? You know already you want me to, so just pay attention.

Being friends with your ex is a situation that does have its merit which is freaking awesome by itself. Being close friends with an ex is in fact fantastic. This is someone who knows you well, and with whom you’ve had the opportunity to establish a deep connection, mutual respect, healthy communication, and understanding with. Those are indeed fantastic qualities in a friend. In fact, it is hard to imagine better qualifications for friendship. It is awesome knowing that there is someone out there who knows you well, who has your back and who you’d go to the ends of the world for. It shows emotional maturity being friends with them especially when you are in a new relationship. Maintaining a friendship with a former lover demonstrates that you can still remember the things that attracted you to that person even while acknowledging you’re no longer together. What’s unhealthy is being partnered with a pathologically new significant other who is insecure, who thinks giving you ultimatums and controlling the friendship you have with your exes is okay. After all, just because romance with them didn’t work out doesn’t mean they are a bad person entirely. Me for one is generally not interested in picking up past relationships again, not even for a quick sexual interlude, but my love for the person will always remain, and I will always care about them. There is nothing disrespectful about such a friendship, quite the opposite. It is a healthy thing to do because these people have known you very closely at some point of your lives and can help you with kind advice on your bad days. They are just like old friends, only that you remember a lot of their details. I also always want to have their backs whenever they are stranded on any day.

Personally, I will never be willing to date someone who isn’t okay with me being friends with exes. I like being friends with them, and I’ve always found mistrust and strong insecurity unattractive. A little bit of insecurity is natural, but if it’s strong enough that I need to rearrange my life to accommodate it…well, that isn’t going to happen. So yes, in my book, it’s okay to be friends with your ex, spend time with them – whether it is in a group, or alone. My new partner just has to understand that they were once a huge piece of my life, and will always remain that.

-Ebere Mercy (2080). Already in heaven or never existed. Heaven: Narrowroadorneverexisted publishers.

Here is what the Ebere in 2018 knows and thinks:

Fuck. No.

I see people claiming they are besties with their exes who they’ve been in intense relationships with and how precious they are to them and how they can work out as friends and how their bond is out of this world and how they will never find anyone like them again… NEWSFLASH, it’s called lingering feelings and the fact that you can’t bond with anyone else the same and are convinced nobody would ever know you like they do (even your potential partner) says a lot. There’s a certain level of intimacy you’ll reach with someone (not necessarily or exclusively physical) where it becomes hard to turn back and unsee and unfeel things because you’ve been together in ways beyond friends, and these memories may just be hard to let go. If you really loved your ex and shared special moments together and went through shit together, then it’s not simple to just go from that to a friendship. Keeping each other as friends can leave a door open for possible unresolved feelings that may stay like that for years and years and years and can hold you back. How can you just be friends with someone you had intense physical and emotional relations with and not view them in a loving way? It could hurt you, or them, or even your current partner because it could turn into an issue where your significant other asks you to stop contacting them and it’s fair of them to ask that of you. I mean, it’s unnerving to have some ex-person around who knows all the intimate details of your significant other and still wants to partake in your love story.

On a different mood, why won’t people leave their exes alone? No, seriously, why not leave them alone? Can you imagine if all of your exes were facetiming you to talk about their troubles and birthdays by 2 am? Wouldn’t that be creepy?

Before we move forward, let me ask you this first: WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO STAY CONNECTED TO THEM? What do you expect to gain? And here is even a better one – Why namely this particular ex and not some other ex? Can you answer these questions honestly to yourself? If you do, then you will know what stands behind the desire to have them in your life and whether you should do it or not because when I think of friendship, I think of picking up the phone, calling someone out of the blue and talking for an hour about whatever is on my mind, and laughing about silly stuff; videocalling them just to see their faces and tease them; wishing them good on their special days and buying them things. I love to hangout with my friends whenever I feel social, so a friend for me is someone I can call to come have fun with me while trying to remain in touch either physically or by electronic means. When you say you are just friends with your ex-lover, is this what you mean?

Once again, why do you want to remain connected, especially now as “just friends”? Because deep down, you still love them? Because you made memories with them and you don’t want to feel like the time you spent together was wasted? Because the relationship isn’t really over? Because you want another one of the many second chances that never worked out in the past someday when you’re free? (even when the actual problem is tackled, this rarely works out because it’s like buying shoes that are too small but keeping them anyway hoping they will fit someday). Because you have children together? Because you are business partners? Is your continued interaction not preventing one or both of you from dating other people and dating them well? You two do not have any more sexual tension between yourselves? Isn’t it emotionally draining? I mean, being just friends with someone who you planned the world with? What scares you about losing their friendship? When exactly do you learn to live without them in your lives? It’s a messed up situation and we all know it. These things, while I’m sure there are exceptions, just never seem to turn out well – from sending innocent messages to innocent coffee hangouts to innocent meetings to not so innocent activities. Look at it this way: Exactly where is that relationship going? What’s the end game? Just texting, hanging out and “being friends?”

A part of me thinks that people still want that connection with these exes because they have invested so much in that relationship it becomes really hard not to have these persons in their lives. They are afraid that if they pursue new people, lose them, or fail in their new relationships, they will end up in utter loss with no other option , and might not have the only person who knows them so much in their lives to fill up the void. Sad, but it translates to “We aren’t compatible relationship-wise but we will always need each other. If we don’t work out with other people, we can still give what we had another try every now and then until someone comes along again.”

See, there’s a reason he/she is your ex. You had this great connection with someone, and then you realized it wasn’t enough. Maybe they did something, maybe you did, or maybe you just realized you weren’t meant to be. It is possible to be friends but is it that simple like most people make it sound? No. Mixed feelings might come from both of you. You can both be friends if you never actually ever loved each other in the first place or you both are sure that you’ve moved on 200% to avoid the awkward situation of love budding again, and having to explain to your new love that you are going back home (old love) without making it sound like they are a rebound. How many people actually move on 200% or even 100%? How many can still talk the past together and not be honestly affected by those memories? How many please? Even if one partner has fully moved on and do not have those feelings anymore, has the other one done same? You know I’m not talking about flings, yea? It is actually really easy to transition into a really good friendship when you two just never clicked emotionally, you know yea?

One thing people in relationships have to understand is that once you decide to commit to someone, then you have to do that or stay single and make yourself available for whenever you can get back with your ex. Put yourself in your current partner’s shoes and think about how you would feel if you found out that they maintain the kind of friendship you maintain with your ex with theirs. Imagine they come home late one night especially if they were unreachable the most part, and when you ask them where they were, and they say “oh, I was hanging out with xxxx, my ex.” How would you feel and react, especially if you have been a bit uncomfortable with that person?

Let’s get this straight please: In a relationship, both partners have to listen to each other. One of the side effects of a relationship is you can’t go around doing whatever you want because you are now a part of a couple, and as such, your partner’s opinion matters and counts. Now, it is your choice to keep any friend you want, HOWEVER, it is also your partner’s choice to dump you if you do things that make them feel uncomfortable. If you are willing to run that risk, then keep being friends with your EX. Alternatively, you could talk to your partner and find out why they hate it and perhaps you can work out a mutually satisfactory solution. If you can’t find one, then you are just going to be seeding distrust and unhappiness if you keep it up. At which point, you can either stop being friends with your ex, or find yourself a new partner that does not mind you being friends with exes.

This is one big issue in a lot of relationships, and to be very honest, you cannot be in a serious relationship with someone and still be frolicking with your ex. I mean, if you two were so cool and cozy that much, why did you break up? You all really need to stop subjecting your partners to emotional torture that comes with the insecurity that will arise from your actions, no matter how innocent you think they are. No one is saying become an enemy with your ex, but you have to now have boundaries that they have to understand. Tell them that you’re in a relationship, you’ve moved on and they need to give you space to focus on the new relationship. Don’t put someone’s child through emotional torment or drag them into something completely preventable because it isn’t about you two or what you had together anymore, it’s now about the persons who have decided to commit to you, at least now.

If you find yourself at the receiving end of this triangle even after communicating your hurt, WALK AWAY please. Trust me; being insecure in a relationship is not a nice feeling especially when your partner knows exactly how you feel about the situation. Allow them go and be with the ex they can’t let go off. You too deserve the kind of peace of mind they gets from still frolicking with their exes. There are actually so many boys and girls who are great friends because they couldn’t be compatible while dating, but I don’t think any of those had intense feels, so when you don’t feel comfy with how things are and you decide to take it all in, you’ll never be happy in that relationship (quote me anywhere). Don’t even give them the option of choosing; just walk away because if it ever got to the point where they had to pick between you two, it means that you’ve always been an option all along. After badly cooked beans, there is no pain like being the middleperson between two people who are still in love but cannot seem to work through their issues. It’s excruciating. Read my handwriting: You don’t deserve that. You deserve someone who loves you with every part of their heart; one who doesn’t have special places reserved in their hearts for exes. It’s possible. Walk away to allow them rekindle their relationship and please, it’s not your business to pray for them to work this time, that’s their cross. Don’t be that person who stalks any of them – whatever they decide to do with themselves isn’t your business anymore. If you are invited to their wedding, I pray you have grown so much that you laugh at how dramatic you were in the past and slay your outfit if you remember to attend because you are way beyond that shenanigan and you are so busy bettering your own life. Haha, I’m just too extra please.

Even if s/he comes back after being silly, I pray you are strong enough not to allow that cycle start with you. Your time is too precious now. Don’t ever make it easy for anyone to disrespect you.

If you aren’t sensitive to the kind of relationship your partner and their ex have, then this isn’t for you (you’re probably polygamous). While I am sure that there are people who can’t relate to any of this, there are still6MANY who will find this so so relatable.

On a lighter note, it is possible to be great friends with an ex, but to be truly friends with someone you’ve shared more than just a friendship with, both of you need to be mature enough to understand and accept the situation. What’s in the past is in the past. And whatever memories were created by the two of you, they’re memories too. Nothing of those remains in the present, and so, it’s important to understand that nothing of that sort would come out of a friendship, if you or the other person is secretly hoping to get together. Once a relationship dies, it loses its essence. The trust, the understanding, the affection, all of it breaks apart, even if it isn’t mutual. To be able to maintain a normal friendship post that, and to have the same thought process from both sides, is extremely tough. Not impossible though. It just requires emotional maturity.

I know all of this. All I am saying is that it becomes all too messy when one of you starts dating seriously, and to be true to yourself, even you reading this who’s shaking your head at the type of insecurities one person could possess because of a “harmless” ex will never be comfortable if you were on the other side of the table.

Hey guys, that brings me to the end of this post! Sheesh, it is still a long read, please forgive me. How’s your Friday this week? How are you?

P.S. I won’t be here for quite a while. I got occupied with something that keeps me away from here no matter how hard I try, and trust I don’t want to be dishing out half-baked posts to you beautiful souls. When I’m back again, we’ll talk about everything. Stay safe my darlings. And don’t forget to miss me.

La Bamba – Ritchie Valens


Based on experience or personal choice, who’d you never date?

Happy Friday babies! It’s our Friday, and I’m glad to be here today. Are you?

Today, we’ll be having a soul-to-soul. The type of soul-to-soul where we can talk about the type of person we’d never date, either based on personal choice or what we have experienced in past relationships.

Do you get the drill? The idea is to pour it all here.

Yea, sure sometimes our partners don’t live up to the expectations we have built for them in our head, but that doesn’t mean that there are some things that some of us would ever tolerate in a relationship (again).

Without much ado, I’ll tell you the kind of man I would never date:

  • This is going to sound awful and aggressive maybe, but if I don’t find someone physically attractive, I won’t date them. You have an extra mark if you are as pretty inside as you are outside but darling if I don’t find you physically attractive, we’d never get there.
  • I can’t date a man who has unfinished business with his ex(es) because I cannot do the type of polygamy where he wants a connection with me but still wants access to his exes while remaining in a situationship with them for as long as our relationship lasts. This is a deal breaker for me, so if we decide we want to take our relationship a step further, we’d have to discuss the kind of relationships we have with our exes and how we manage them, especially that particular ex. It will be a discussion done in person and not over text messages or phone calls, so I can look directly into his eyes and know that he isn’t still hung up on them, and wouldn’t run back to them as soon as he feels lonely and horny and is in the same space as the person. Do you know how upsetting it is to be in a relationship with somebody who loves you as much as you do them but who still loves someone else and would rather be with them given different circumstances. Maybe you do or not but it’s a NO NO NO from this side. I want to know that we couldn’t talk when we should have because the network went bust through the day or he was busy with work and not because he was on a never ending call with his ex talking about how they need to meet again, or he was in and out of stores looking to buy her stuff to make her happy or because he was at her house gisting like old times, because I mean, they’re just friends. See, I’m a very monogamous person who can be possessive of my man in times like this, so automatically I cannot share what’s mine. If you like sharing, I am straight away leaving without looking back. I am no revolving door so I won’t be having you back because I am not about to be in a triangulated relationship as it is. Yes, I’m not open-minded either.

Still on this line of thought, someone with a lot of emotional baggage would never have the time of my life. I can and will be with the person at times of distress, but if it goes on and on and the person just refuses to move on from the past, I just cannot. It’s nothing personal, I promise. It’s not even you. It’s just me loving the feels of “peace of mind” and not wanting to trade it because love.

  • I can’t date a liar. I have been called a human lie detector because I can sense someone’s lies even through text messages. I have an uncanny ability to tell if I am being lied to and lying absolutely drives me INSANE which is why I detest being lied to, being told a part of the truth, or not even told it at all for that matter. When it comes to me, there is nothing such as ‘white lies’ because I value truth and honesty above being told sweet little lies any day, no matter how brutal the honesty is. I’m much more likely to be mad if you lie to me about doing something wrong than what you actually did wrong itself. That goes for things big or small, whether it be lying about whether you liked my outfit or cheating. You better tell me the truth because if I find out you lied or you’re trying not to tell me something I should know (and I’m very good at it), the entire situation will be ten times worse.
  • I can’t date an extreme penny pincher. I am not a needy girl in the sense that asking you to spend on me isn’t my thing (I’ll rather your attention, cuddles, efforts), but then I will never date Mr. Extreme Penny Pincher. I am not in for someone who would park faraway and make me walk the rest of the journey because it saves a few bucks on parking; who makes a big deal out of splitting the 5k bill on a coffee date; who would make me walk through the city because N100 is too important; who I buy a thoughtful gift for his birthday or an anniversary only to get a cheap trinket or just regifts me something he received years ago; who tries to pick the cheapest restaurants; who complains every time I want to splurge on a fun date or activity even if I’ll be splitting or covering the cost; whose clothes are ancient and falling apart but he refuses to replace them. An extreme penny-pincher is no fun and not attractive to me in the least. There is a big difference between being frugal and being a cheapskate.
  • Miss me if you stink. I am very huge on personal hygiene so don’t try with me if you are badly groomed with hygiene issues. I have been said to have a nose that rivals that of a blood hound. One poor smell, and I’ll always think of you differently.
  • You don’t have to do anything you don’t want but I refuse to be in a relationship where the other person can’t handle an ounce of constructive criticism and I can’t be expressive as I would want to be for fear that I would awaken the demons in them that we just suppressed only two days ago, or where I feel I can’t talk to you about my interests for fear you’ll judge me.

Still on this point, I can be really unreasonable when I’m upset and you can too, but the entire relationship is not going to revolve around trying to read your mind, getting the silent treatment or you bottling everything up until you explode. This is who I was (I still relapse every now and then though) until I realized communicating with the right person helped things, so I’m not looking to date anyone who has these traits, especially one who stops talking and starts talking with me at his own convenience. We can’t be both unfortunate at the same time. Passive aggressiveness in any form is a deal breaker. I can’t date a violent person, be it in physical, emotional or mental forms. I’m not wired to accept abuse so with the first red flag, it is a wrap, and it was nice doing business with you.

  • I’m never dating anyone who does not know what they want in future. I can’t deal with the whole “Let’s see where this goes” thing. My time is precious. This does not mean I am asking you to marry me tomorrow, I only need to know what you expect from me. You have to also be passionate or driven about something because it is extremely difficult for me to be with someone who just wants to take life as it is.
  • Someone who can type like tHis whyl Sayin 10q or kkrh? Boybye.
  • If we can’t meet as often as we would want, we can’t date. The distance from your house from mine has to be a driving distance. Even if distance is introduced at some point, it has to be temporal.
  • I can’t date someone who is insensitive to things I’m not comfortable with and isn’t self aware. If you do not have an internal mirror that allows you to see where you are wrong, then we cannot date. Awareness is an integral part of self-development and healthy relationships, and if you don’t have it, then how can we build a functional relationship?
  • I can’t date someone who is addicted to being a victim. Personally, I am terrified of people who can manipulate any situation to make themselves the victim. Not only does it mean they are unlikely to grow but it’s also a recipe for disaster when the relationship becomes more serious. So… miss me.
  • Someone who wants the whole casual sex relationship thing is not my person. I am demisexual and cannot separate love and sex from each other no matter how hard I try. Maybe someday?
  • Someone who has a strict formula of life, and isn’t ready to learn anything different from how he has always had it, no no.
  • Someone who is a twin is a no no. Do I have to explain this?
  • Someone who is racist, sexist, homophobic etc, I’m not even going to tolerate that bull.
  • Someone who takes my love for granted, no no.
  • Someone who does not save his last part of his cake for me, even if I ate mine alone, no no. Why won’t you?
  • You definitely have to love cuddling.

Skadoosh! I have said so much more than I intended! This is the type of effect you have on me. Sigh.

Now, it’s your turn. Who would you never date? Like I said, no one else is going to see this, because it’s our little secret. If you don’t tell, I won’t.

Me, Myself and I – G Eazy x Bebe Rexha

Bodycount… does it count?

Where do I start from?

Where do you think I should start from?

Let’s make this short.

Hey, it’s another Friday and I sorely miss every one of you here. I don’t understand it too, but I know I miss you guys so much and almost couldn’t wait for this Friday before publishing. Yes, no jokes.

Well, well, well, I’m sure everyone knows what bodycount is about, yea? Oh, you don’t? Wait, are you actually serious, or are you just pretending not to know? You really don’t know?

I’ll tell you what it means.

Bodycount is the total number of people a person has had sex with. When you have sex with a new person, it becomes yet another number added to the already existing figure. It could move from zero to one, and from one to xxxx, all depending on you as a person, and maybe your sex drive.

Do you understand it now?

Hehe, why do you people like making me feel like a graduate assistant lecturer who is so zealous to explain issues to my students because I never got that type of pampering as a student, and I want better for these crop? I don’t know too.

Even though I can swear on this piece of cake that I’m having now that you knew the meaning before today, what can I do? It’s love.

Now, the question is : When it comes to your relationship and/or marriage, would the bodycount of your partner be a deal breaker?

So, I was having a conversation with a sex expert (he has a three figured bodycount to his cap), and we got into a mild argument sort of. Here’s what happened:

He told me he has a three figured bodycount. Me, not been judgmental didn’t cringe for a second. All I wanted to know was if his health was important to him as the orgasms he got from every penetration, which he answered in the affirmative. In the course of our discussion, he said it was easier to attain such heights and medal-worthy figure if you had a high libido and were committed to not being committed to anybody. However he said he couldn’t date or marry any female who has had carnal knowledge of more than three men. He said it was a potential deal breaker as there was once a time when he was almost in love with a girl and was ready to build a real life with her until she mentioned on one of their “revelation nights” that her bodycount was seven. He said he instantly fell out of love with her. Like. that. very. moment.

He said everything she said after that started sounding toxic to his ears and he couldn’t wait to be out of that environment. He told her he didn’t want to have anything to do with her, as he couldn’t understand how a girl could have had sex with seven persons if she wasn’t a commercial sex worker. LOL. He also argued that women are usually more emotionally invested in sex than the male folk, and that there was every chance she would want to have those seven men in her life, every now and then. There was a minor fuse about women aging faster when they have many sex partners too.

Our mild argument was why it was okay for him to have slept with so many persons, and why it was okay for a lady to be limited to just three. You know me already.

You want to know my answer to this post? I know you do, and I’ll indulge you.

Bodycount is not going to be a deal breaker for me because it’s really not that complicated. To me, it’s just a social construct that tells us that there should be a limit for the number of persons we can have sex with, especially when we are not committed to anybody. If you are like my friend who has slept with as much persons, we would never have any problem as regards that except you have a track record for cheating or it serves as a way of employment for you. And yes, we would have to discuss your libido. Are you the type that is capable of deriving sexual pleasure from the community when I cannot have carnal knowledge of you on a particular day?

There would also be the really important need to go for sex health tests whether or not we are going to be sexual. Call me a scaredy cat but my health matters so much to me, and if you are going to be my partner, then yours would matter to me also.

With me, you only have to tell me the exact figure if I ask (only if you know though). No lies. No half-truths. Why? Because I am capable of walking away when lied to, no matter how irrelevant you think the issue is. Only the truth from you, and we would sort through it. If we don’t work through it, then it’s never going to be about the number of persons you have slept with (except you are not ready to leave the past well in the past). Whatever has been in the past would be regarded as such by me if you leave it behind also. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be judged if my bodycount was at 365. If I was a clean honest DTF before I decided to stay committed to just you, I wouldn’t want to be judged for that.

P. S. You want the meaning of DTF? Google’s your friend my darlings.

So my people, I’m asking: Does bodycount count as a criterion for you? Would you see your partner in another light if they have slept with many persons? Would you date them? Would you even be interested to know, or is it just one of those things you don’t see any reason discussing?

Use the comment box. Of course, you know how much I love to hear from you.

P.S. Please tell me about your Fridays too. I always want to know how you are but nobody ever tells me when dropping their comments. Mine has really been peaceful save for the heat. Tell me?

Life Jacket – Sia

Nigerian ladies, will you propose to your beau?

Ladies proposing to their baby boys in open places have been an internet sensation lately. Some marriage proposals have been accepted but the ones we remember well are the ones that were rejected. Tell me something about bad news making the news.(I don’t understand puns too)

Not to be mean or anything but in the past days, whenever I needed comic relief, I always watched those videos to laugh myself to a stomachache. They always made me(still make me) laugh especially the one of the girl that screamed “Say Yes na” while kneeling close to the escalator leading to the Silverbird cinema in the Ikeja City Mall. The side “friendzone” hug he gave her while whispering something to her and moving away is still funny to me. The three Yoruba men especially the one on white “senator” cloth that walked past with a knowing smile makes me laugh also (don’t ask me how I knew they were Yoruba, or how I noticed this inconspicuous detail too).

Recently, I woke up to this very video on somebody’s Whatsapp status with the caption, “Ebere, how far? This is your feminist self proposing to your man, lol.”

As much I wanted to correct an impression then, I was far too spent and really needed a comic relief, so what did I do? I watched the video over and over until you know what. Yea, I got the stomachache. I also got two tears running down simultaneously my now smooth cheeks.

I made a decision there and then. A decision to write about this here so that I can be really really really clear once again.

Ladies, Ladies, this blog post is for us. It is for the men too ’cause we want their views on how they’ll react to being proposed to. Don’t we now? Me I do oo.

So first off, I get offended when someone doesn’t understand what feminism is really about. I get more offended when they decide to consciously twist it in order to fit or mock a situation. It also gets upsetting at times, and maybe embarrassing. Read my blog post on feminizing the world and you’ll probably understand better if you have an open mind though. Ladies proposing isn’t just about the kind of feminism you know. It’s a lot of other things that isn’t just a lady going on a knee to propose, don’t argue with me.

That cleared, let’s talk about Nigerian ladies and proposing marriage to their beaus.

Do I like the idea of girls proposing to their men? Yes! I mean I admire such courage especially around our Nigerian men. I mean, to hell with traditions. I mean, more power to you girl! I mean, it shows your commitment to your partner, it shows that you can be direct, it can be your dream proposal, it can fit your schedule since you are going to be the one planning it, it shows that you are not afraid of making big decisions, it shows that you are not afraid of going against traditions; I mean, if you want to motivate any changes in your personal life, sitting idly and waiting while your partner comes around and proposes is kind of silly; I mean, imagine what gay and lesbian couples do where one of them eventually proposes, regardless of the gender; I mean, you could be the more proactive one in your relationship and you aren’t just ready to wait around for him to take the initiative; I mean, even if he says Yes, you are going to take on his surname so that it evens out. Nice nice. Yea, all nice.

Babe, it’s all ice-cream, theatrics and Snapchat until he says NO at ICM while you cry to other people’s amusement and some cute roasting on Instablog9ja. See, there are things that must be considered before proposing to your Nigerian partner, especially in this Nigeria. You have to be really sure you are doing that under the right circumstances: a good and healthy relationship. You must be able to man up and take NO if he says NO (you know that you can be talking marriage with a man who knows in the deep parts of his heart that he isn’t ready for it but would only indulge you to make you feel better?)

Let it be known that in relationships, there are no gender based dictum, so anyone can propose irrespective of the gender, but you just have to be really sure that your significant other would also love to marry you so as to avoid awkward situations, especially in public places. You don’t want to rush them into making commitments they aren’t ready to make just because you are the only one who is still single amongst your friends or for whatever reason. You also have to be sure you want to marry them too. Ladies, I am talking to you.

Also, personally, I’m somewhat against the entire process of surprising your spouse-to-be with marriage at all. I love surprises but not this type. Surprising me with marriage isn’t my 25th birthday where you’re surprising me with something you know I’ve been craving. Na, it’s not the same. This is you asking me to be “forever” attached to you, and you me. In my opinion, this is better off as a rational discussion which naturally occur after a long-term partnership that has been stable and looks as though both parties involved aren’t going anywhere. I am not quite religious nor do I have any particularly romantic views on marriage. It’s literally a legally binding contract. You can be in love and cohabit or whatnot and not be married. In fact, I would actively seek to cohabit with a partner before getting involved in a legally binding contract with them because for the most part, engaging in this sort of contract involves living together. I would like to give that a test drive before involving the government, and maybe the church. So, stop surprising people with marriage proposals like that. You have to be sure that that’s what they want also, then yea, do your thing.

Would I propose to my man? No, I won’t. I could give him hints or even say it indirectly if I’m so sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I feel I want that sort of commitment and we are ready to take that “big step”, but dear husband, you are going to propose directly to me. It’s not that I “can’t” ask him to marry me, it’s not that I “shouldn’t” ask him to marry me if I feel we good, it’s that I shouldn’t HAVE to ask him to marry me. It’s just something about me being traditional in sensitive matters like this one. I’ll take him on dates because he is my man, but I won’t propose marriage to him. I still feel it’s supposed to be largely his prerogative, so why take it away from him? I’m just saying. And yea, it has to be a joint decision.

What if I propose marriage and his mouth says Yes but his mind says No because he doesn’t want me feeling terrible??

Nigerian ladies, what do you think? Do you find it desperate and embarrassing proposing to your partner? Do you think it cool and something you can do personally? For you men, what do you think of your girl doing the proposing?

P.S. If you are a man and you are about these sex dolls, can you be my best friend or boyfriend please? I am in need of a new hair, and if you don’t mind (hopefully you don’t), I’d shave your doll’s hair and wig it. Thank you in love.

Mama – Kiss Daniel

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2018 Family!

Hey, I have missed here so much. I have missed every single person on here too, I mean you are the reason I have fun here every Friday.

I got occupied with a few and couldn’t deliver as expected. I am so sorry babies. To everyone who kept buzzing me for the next blog post, you are honestly loved.

This is coming late but because the new year is still 19 days old, I am willing to wish you a very happy new year 2018 because I somehow feel I can get away with it.

So, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2018 to you and yours!

How was the Christmas and New Year celebrations at your end? We are humans and I know how we love to celebrate these seasons that say bye and hello to two years respectively. And yes, we are Nigerians and no manner of fuel scarcity and frustration can entirely down our spirits. So in other gist, how were your celebrations?

As we are savouring the new year, I have some things to tell us, myself inclusive because it’s time I started taking my very advice. I mean, we all want to grow, we all need to grow. There is a need for growth.

Before I do that, I just want to say a bit about last year 2017. To be honest, it was an eventful year for me. It was a year I was able to “break some grounds” and somewhat understand my “i-am-complex-not-too-complex” self, how I function and different ways I react to certain persons, events, situations and circumstances. I had known all of these almost all of my years of existence, but I’d never just been conscious of them. I was also able to make conscious changes for myself and by myself. And maybe for the first time, I partly understood loving someone else. It was magic the most part but no, it wasn’t exactly worth my time and efforts because I was disrespected in the end. Am I done with that? Absolutely..

Haha, allow me talk about myself here, haha: Okay, my love for self tripled in 2017. I have never loved myself so much like I did 2017 (Okay to be fair, I pampered myself 2016). I learnt to treat myself right always. For example, I feel like I need to change my shower gel because some other one is better for me, I save up and buy it for me. Just for me. And use it for me; I feel I am starting to have chapped underfeet, I treat myself to a nice relaxing pedicure in a beauty shop. When money played tricks with me, I just did homemade treatments and felt good about it afterwards (hey Youtube). I look at my skin sometimes and say my short Ebere prayer. It just feels good to feel good and actually be good.

My voice? I have always had a voice but 2017 it was magnified and boy, am I proud of myself? I AM.

My taste in everything is still changing. The people I choose to surround myself with, what I wear, when and how I move, what I let people know about me, the music I listen to, what I spend my time doing, the ways I react to situations…everything, and I love every single thing about the person I’m becoming.

As I remember all of these, I feel like I am travelling back in time. Well, that’s that.

Let’s talk 2018.

Apparently, it’s a new year and everybody talks about change in the New Year. Even if you are like me and don’t make new year resolutions openly, some parts of your heart know that you want to achieve certain feats this year, yes or nay?.

See, there is a thing about the new year we should understand. The New year on the calendar doesn’t just mark a time when you suddenly wake up and choose to be a different person. Okay, so you set goals, you have expectations and hopes. You hold onto hope that this will be the year you change or something in your life will.

Join the gym. Lose weight. Eat healthier. Stop drinking. Stop smoking. Leave an old job. Get a new job. Be in a relationship. Get married. Get over an ex. Save money. Try a new hobby or join some group. Travel more.

You write down resolutions (some you won’t achieve). Then you feel slightly defeated when you don’t amount to it or a month goes by and suddenly it’s February and you haven’t seen the results you wanted or the outcome you were hoping for.

We think we have to suddenly make a giant change in our lives because it’s a new year, but it isn’t about one big step, it’s about the little ones that lead us to somewhere better, so why would you tackle your resolutions or goals any differently? (Babies can’t run before they learn to walk).

A new year doesn’t mean suddenly waking up and being a new you. It means making the choice to want to take the proper steps towards the person you want to become. So because the calendar on your phone’s home screen changed from 31/12/17 to 1/1/18 doesn’t mean suddenly you are going to change. I am very sure you woke up on January 1st and it felt like any other day of the week, only difference being the pressure you put on yourself to be somewhere by a certain time.

Change doesn’t happen overnight. And there isnt’t going to be some ah-ha moment where it’s clear you’ve done it, but when enough time passes, one day you’re going to look back and realize where you were maybe six months ago, maybe a year ago and then you’ll either see you’ve made progress or you’re still in the same place.

I am glad you understand all I have been trying to say. You don’t? Now, read that again darling. Slowly this time.

While you are still chewing on the meat on that bone, I’ll give you some tips on how to live your 2018 in no particular order. You are free to screenshot them and read them daily. And yes, of course, make your necessary adjustments every now and then so that you are comfortable in them. The idea is to find peace in them.

  • This is the year when you consciously stop allowing people walk over you. This is the time to stand up to everything and everyone especially when your happiness is involved. This isn’t the time to take whatever with a smile, and keep wanting more of that bull.
  • Don’t wait for Monday or a new month or a new year. Start now. If it’s losing weight or eating healthier, pay close attention to what you put into your body. If it’s going to the gym more, hold yourself more accountable when you want to skip a workout. Don’t say I’ll just go tomorrow or I’ll eat healthier for my next meal. Think of right now in this moment because these moments matter. If your goal is to save money, ask yourself as you’re about to buy something if you really need that thing now.
  • It is so important to know your worth so that you know when somebody treats you less than you deserve. You are special and you do matter (not as an option or as a second choice) so stop letting people come in and out of your life whenever they want. You are as human as anybody and your life matters also, if they cannot respect that, hold the door open for them, let them walk out. Hold the door wide open, they might have luggages they need to take out too.
  • Don’t ever compare yourself to other people. The reason why most people are unhappy is because they are looking at what others have that they don’t have, and they don’t feel beautiful because they don’t look like what society is defining beauty as. The truth is that you are beautiful and as good as the next person.
  • No more settling in 2018. Your happiness, growth, and aspirations should come first this time around.
  • One of the best things you can do for yourself is to learn when to walk out of toxic relationships, people and friendships. Walking away and giving up on something or someone doesn’t always mean you’re weak. Leaving a toxic situation in fact takes a lot of strength. Walk away because you realized your worth and know you deserve better and more. Nobody and nothing has that power to keep you in toxic situations. Only you.
  • Never beg anyone to stay in your life. If they aren’t reciprocating your efforts and feelings, let them go too. Delete their contact, their pictures, let go of memories and move on. Stop making excuses for people and believing if you hold on a little, they’ll change and come around.
  • You have to understand self care this year. You don’t have to do anything expensive. What is very important is that you smell nice, eat healthy and laugh genuinely often. Take yourself out to eat, go shopping, even if it’s the thrift type, take a bubble bath or a hot shower, relax and watch a movie. Getting to know yourself and learning how to make yourself happy is important.
  • Give yourself credit for everything you have made it through daily. Be proud of yourself , realize all the changes you have made, how much you’ve grown and how far you’ve come.
  • Don’t trust anybody until they give you a good reason why you should. Someone says s/he is your friend but you never really know, so don’t be a magnet for monsters.
  • Whether you find comfort in the sun, water, dreams or memories, you must endeavour to occasionally indulge yourself in the things that bring cheer to your heart. You must give yourself what you need to exist as a happy person. Never reject yourself. Always accept yourself no matter what.
  • Allow yourself live in the moment. Just allow yourself fly.
  • When things don’t work out the way you want them too, just remember how you worried about passing that course in school, and how you never ever remember it anymore because months, years have gone by.
  • Do something new every month, every two months, every six months… It could be you going on that trip, taking courses to improve your skills, just something.
  • Quit being unnecesssarily mean to people. Try some kindness every now and then, it looks good on everybody.
  • Live in the moment babies, live in the moment.

I was going to write something really short, but here we are. Happy new year again. Let’s make memories together again.

Meanwhile, tell me changes you noticed in yourself last year, this new year. Just talk to me, tell me anything. I have missed you.

Easy Jeje – Reekado Banks


    I didn’t write this, I just thought to reblog it since I enjoyed reading it. It was written by one of my blog readers on here, Amayanabo (

    Enjoy it.

    Disclaimer: Well, there is no disclaimer for this post. I just like disclaimers. Come and arrest me.

    2018 is almost here and whilst y’all are planning to make resolutions that you most likely will never keep, I’m here to add to your list very nicely. Allow me the honours?


    2017 was a year I realized that people DO really enjoy ‘pucking’ their ugly noses into everyone’s business. It’s borderline rude to ask people about things that will never concern or affect you in any parallel universe, except that person is a close friend or family. Questions should be asked sensitively and things that should be left out should be left out. I’ve always felt that people who are nosy feel the need to know everything so that they can compare their lives with others. People’s situations, dilemmas or even relationships aren’t your business unless they decide to include you. I once told someone I’m not close to that I was traveling back home and the fellow asked me “Are you flying?” Whilst I was wondering how my choice of transportation concerns a stranger, I realized that in Nigeria, this question is asked out of a need to find out what strata (Can you feel that English?) of the class system you belonged to and, my answer gave birth to claims that I was the son of a very wealthy man and eventual pleas for money that would come from my -1 account balance. Don’t be offended when people don’t reply your nosy questions. “Unlook” and “detox” from people’s lives next year.


    “Social media and technology has connected the world… yen yen yen blah blah blah yapidy yap”.

    Humans are now more disconnected as ever. I know our lives are busy and we don’t have time for everybody but, we need to include those who love us genuinely and who we care about deeply in turn in 2018. “I hate it when people call me, just text me… we-waw, we-waw OH SHUT THE HELL UP!” I really should buy a tap and close the dirty water coming out of your dirty soul. Call your loved ones, make out time. Reply their WhatsApps and Twitter Direct Messages promptly. Be there for the ones who will be there for you.


    The phone must work both ways in 2018. This is how you’ll know who is in your army and who is not.


    The 21st century is so fucked messed up because people are having to deal with so many choices hence why everyone is starting to move mad. The same happens with relationships for millennials. In English, most people just want sex and not commitment and that is okay (Religious folks, hold your horses and let me finish). Let whoever you have something with know what you want and if they’re ready to put up with it. Don’t start something you know you cannot continue with. Keeping someone in the dark and disappearing later can be very emotionally shattering and demeaning. If you know you want sex and whomever you’re with wants something else, please use the exit and download Tinder.

    You can’t be selling anyone dreams.


    Let me use my humble self as an example. I’m the worst person to play hard to get with. People who tried it with me were surprised at how I moved on so quickly and started contacting me again. Whilst my life principle involves not getting attached to anything asides Sweet Sensation’s sausage rolls, if you tickle my fancy and I decide to look your way and you start acting funny, best believe that I will go back to finding the next Sweet Sensation outlet for my sausage rolls and leave you behind in your foolishness.

    If you like someone, they like you back and you’re ready to start something with them, let them know instead of playing hide and seek. If someone likes you and you cannot reciprocate the feelings, let them know as well and build a friendship if you can. Our generation needs to stop running away from commitment. Emotional unavailability is really a show of weakness and cowardice.


    I can’t even say much because your case is spiritual. You know yourselves. Do better in 2018.


    The planet earth, anyone in it or above it does not owe you anything. Stop expecting people to be good to you because it’s not a free gift of nature. No one owes you money (except debtors. BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY IN 2018!!!), food, gifts or anything because of the remotest or abundant connection you have with them, be it family, friends or romantic relationships. Entitlement gives birth to greed or jealousy which in turn gives birth to malicious thoughts and loathing which can as well lead to someone shooting up a bunch of people because he/she feels that the world is denying him/her what they deserve.


    Again, religious folks please hold your horses.

    It’s almost 2018 and seriously guys, leave these people alone. This goes back to my first point of minding your own business. Same-sex relationships will never affect you in any parallel universe unless you’re attracted to the same-sex yourself.


    These are a bunch of the most classless people on earth. They will use every opportunity to show you their stolen money and wash their hands with wines that truly shows how classless and poor they are. Stay away from these people next year. Don’t spend their evil money with them because the lightning that God has sent for them might miss them and land on you.


    Please stop that. You’re committing a mortal sin against mankind and cereal manufacturers.


    There is more to life than constantly concocting plans to jump into bed with someone. You can find the cure to cancer you know? Please seek therapy.


    Made up of old and clueless buffoons, the Nigerian government should’ve been left behind since the 1990s. All I have to say is that I am not voting in 2019. All I want now is my parents handing me my burgundy passport so that I can go back to my original country.


    True happiness does not exist in money or a person. Happiness exists within your core. Find your happiness and let a person or money compliment it instead of being its source. When the money or the person disappears, you’d still have your happiness instead of emptiness. Never be attached to anything in life. Almost everything is fleeting.

    Happy Holidays to all of you my wonderful readers who have constantly supported my trash writing. I genuinely wish you all the very best the season has to offer. Shout out to all my “I just got back friends” who haven’t given me $100 0r £100 to change my destiny.

    You will receive your reward when you miss your flight out of Lagos or your connecting one at Paris Charles De Gaulle and Amsterdam’s Schipol.

    Merry Christmas to you babies and a sane new year 2018 in advance.

    Speak it if you can

    I don’t know the most appropriate title for this particular post yet. If I get a better title that isn’t “Language speaking”, I’ll change it. And no, I won’t delete this paragraph.

    This week, I was supposed to put up a post about bodycounts. Yes, aye. I’ll serve it hot next week.

    I picked this topic over the bodycount one because this. I love to rant when I can, and if you are one of my Whatsapp contacts, you would have read my status updates where I talked about people who can speak Igbo (I was specific) and pretend not to. I got varied replies that night, and I had people telling me to compile the status updates into a blogpost. And because I aim to please my babies, I’m doing just that now.

    On my whatsapp status updates, I said that I didn’t understand why anyone who could speak good Igbo would pretend not to. Everbody isn’t me, I mean, I am Ebere, and I don’t understand it really because I still have “Igbo struggles” and I’ll give anything to be able to complete sentences in the language without adding English words here and there. It is different when you can speak, everybody knows you can, but you just choose not to. It’s also another kind of different when you don’t know how, and isn’t willing to, or maybe willing to. It’s just a different kind of low when you can and pretend to people around you that you can’t.

    So you know: I am Igbo, and I can only talk so much about my tribe. Not like I have ever seen a Yoruba person who didn’t want to speak their language though or who didn’t even speak it almost as fluent. Don’t scowl at me please. Don’t even be vile.

    My name is Ebere. I am Igbo. I was bred in Lagos, still bred though. I have Igbo parents. I grew up in a home where my parents would only speak English but prefer to call my siblings and I by our native names. This means, I grew up speaking only English which automatically became my first language. I knew I wanted in in the Igbo speaking frenzy when I got to school in the East. I had Lagos Igbo friends then who thought the language sucked especially the accent with which it was spoken. Sad fact but most of their parents have this very accent and I’d always wonder if they tell their parents “Please stop speaking this language, it sounds depressing shaa“.

    To be honest, I have never heard anyone who was of this mindset speak actual Queen’s English. What I hear them speak borders more on the Nigerian English which includes the “Are you going to come to my house?” kinda; mixing tenses without care, and pronouncing English words in ways that makes me cringe. The ones who can speak “well” at least with this same mindset are the ones who speak so many “cut and join” English language from different accents. The struggle.

    Not to be distracted, the preceding paragraph isn’t my business. I am not going to okay it but it’s 2017 and you can decide not to learn what you don’t want to. I’ll throw a tantrum if I was forced to do something I didn’t want to do really. I won’t learn it too, so it would never be worth the stress.

    I am directing this post to those who can speak and pretend not to. What manner of insecurity are you dealing with?? Me for one thinks that anyone who can go through years pretending not to understand or speak their language should be checked really. The rest of us should be scared of you because you can kill someone and pretend not to have ever seen them before. Who knows what else you’ve lied about? The rest of us cannot even be sure that your name is what you say it is. No, we can’t. In other words, you should be avoided. Nollywood needs you to play “The adventures of lying Ekaette/Johnbull” roles. Don’t waste such talent, tsk.

    I know people like my cousins who can speak Queen’s English, the everyday Igbo and our dialect fluently. I am not joking when I say fluently. They always know when to switch. In my books, that’s a new type of class. Interesting bit is that they were born and bred in the East. Yes, they were born in the East and they have no phonological interferences. I still know people who grew up in the interiors of the East who pretend not to speak or understand Igbo (I have a talent for knowing who’s telling the truth and who isn’t). The ones who can’t lie so well may pretend to only understand the language. What manner of insecurity?!

    Funny thing is

    I have actually caught someone red-handed before. All through our short-lived three years of friendship, she told everyone who cared to listen that she couldn’t speak Igbo and terribly sucked at it. I still remember vividly a day when a shop owner spoke to us in Igbo after we went to get comfort food (cookies). This girl said “what is this woman saying. Ma, please speak English, we don’t understand what you are saying”. I understood what the woman spoke and told not her to stress it as I was going to interprete to my friend. I had to even break it down, and this babe pretended all through not to understand a single word. I felt like Jessica Rabbit that day. Somewhere within me, I knew it was all a facade but I just wanted to catch her myself and I did. I caught her speaking serious Igbo on a phone call with her dad. I call it serious because it was so deep I couldn’t understand a word being said. No, I wasn’t surprised (something abut having internal shock absorbers) but I was weak. I am sure you can guess how south the friendship went. “Souther” than “Southest”. Lies get me that way.

    If you can speak your language, stop pretending not to. Speak it if you can. If you can but don’t want to speak, be open about it. If anyone judges you about it, tell them to shut up, drink water and mind their business. It’s about you and what you want in this 21st century so far it isn’t committing a crime. Don’t just know how to and lie about it through your life. It must be so much stress living a lie everyday all day. I can imagine you wanting to say something in your language because it makes better sense that way, but just can’t because you have to live your lie of a life. It must be so so stressful being fake.

    What do you think dear family? You know how much I love to hear from you, yea? Yes, you do.

    How are you??? We are approaching 2018 steadily. God bless us.

    Bang Bang – Timaya

    “I have my nudes/sex videos on the internet.” Marry them still? 

    Hey peopleee, it’s our Friday again!

    How are you? Your Friday coming fine? Any highlights? Any plans to make it better if it isn’t already? It’s the start of the weekend babies, cheers! And yaaas, it’s December!!!!

    So, I am up typing this with a headache the size of West Africa which is aching like a bad tooth in truth. I am just going to take my advise, drink water and live.

    Not to bore you with my life sad tale, let’s get down to business:

    Would you marry someone who has had their nudes or sex videos on the internet before? The kind that raised dust and got the public talking about the person in whatever manner their view supported – positively or negatively. The person doesn’t have to necessarily be a public figure/celebrity that way. Okay, let’s just say that the person, whether as a celebrity. video fox/vixen, banker, medical doctor, model, or whatever has their nudes or sex video online, and people know about it. I think that’s a better description, don’t you think?

    I am not talking the American Kardashian or Beyonce or Bieber’s kind of nude that’s grossing them so much money. Okay, even that too. This your someone could be raking in money from it or has before. You understand what I am saying yea? Nude is nude, but as a Nigerian who has Nigerian parents and a family who think mostly Nigerian, the question still begs, can you marry someone who has bared their birthday suit in all of its entirety on the onlinesphere through nudes or sex videos? How about someone who still does it presently? The Chidinma- cucumber kind or something even more interesting.

    Most times, my blog posts are gotten from discussions I have had with people, discussions between other people, my experiences, and other people’s experiences I know. So yesterday, my sister and I got talking about this particular topic. We watched a wedding video where the bride’s ex who was invited to the wedding (because she had made peace with him and was willing to have him around despite her husband saying he wasn’t comfortable with the arrangement) came to play ten ten with their futures.

    What happened??

    Wait for it……..

    Instead of the usual video compilations supposed to give the wedding guests glimpses into the life of the bride, her achievements and all of that, a sex video between her and this ex came up on the projected screen.

    Let it be known that the ex mentioned that he masterminded the whole thing because he couldn’t watch her get married to someone that wasn’t him. You blog readers should have seen the pride in his eyes while he said it. He also stated that nobody was ever going to know her body like he did. The video was playing, and he was only too happy to explain how she has a mole under her left breast, and how his tongue knows it better than her husband’s eyes would ever know it. You should have seen the looks on faces of their Nigerian family members – “shookness”. To show how extra he was, some nude photos were also thrown into the mix, and played slow mo style.

    From the groom’s reaction, it was obvious the wife had mentioned this part of her life to him before, and they both considered it as part of her youthful exuberance. As much as I craved a plot twist, he left her standing there looking forlorn (he probably couldn’t tolerate these videos and pictures being pushed to his face and his family’s). His family did the same too with so many nods of disapproval. One interesting thing is that her very family bailed on her that moment. They left the hall too.

    Immediately after this scene ended, my sister and I started to talk about the video. I asked her if she would be okay with her significant other knowing that he has nudes out there on the internet, or even more interesting, a sex video; if she was going to accept a relationship or marriage with them fully aware that the world knows what they look like without clothes and how beastly or meek they can be in bed.

    She said “WHY NOT especially if they were leaked or he is a survivor of one of those malignant diseases and found the need to show his body to tell his story” . She said it is always good to know about these things, like it is always fair the significant other mentions these things in the course of dating, and not just spring it on her moments before they are to be man and wife. She said that if the person is a public figure and she knows about it already, they would still have to talk about it until the air is clear, because they both have to be comfortable in that space.

    I then asked if she would be willing to still marry if the person says that it’s their way of life and never mind that other people continually see their nudes, especially if that’s how they make their money or manage to stay relevant. She said “I AM NO KANYE AND I HAVE NO SUCH PATIENCE. WE WOULD HAVE TO END THINGS BECAUSE I’LL ALWAYS FIND IT VERY DISRESPECTFUL. HOW CAN I EVEN TAKE HIM SERIOUS IF THAT’S THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS TO SURVIVE? WE WOULD HAVE CHILDREN SOME DAY and I don’t want them growing up seeing daddy’s bombom everyday on the internet”. She also said nobody actually needs to put their nudes out there on the internet in order to make money or stay relevant in their world but if they have to, then they should, but not in her marriage; after all Cardi B who lived that life has stopped and is now making good music and raking in her money. She said the whole nude affair has to even be a past for him, because she isn’t going to marry anyone who models for the world that way.

    P.S. I had her on record. I needed her exact words, lol.

    For me, I can. Sorry if I’m cramping your style but I can. There are so many BUTs though, I mean terms and conditions apply. When I am not eating, sleeping, being goofy, having mood swings or overanalyzing things, I most times tell people, especially women to be proud, confident and comfortable in their skins and bodies. If you aren’t yet, and you have that goal, attain it already. Anyway, I don’t tell them to post their nudes on the internet because I still strongly believe in cloth wearing.

    I am one person who is comfortable flashing flesh here and there when necessary, but I still like it for people to wear clothes. I don’t know if it’s just me but there is a special kind of beauty and class that belongs to people when they wear clothes. Good clothes.

    That notswithstanding, there are people who are “bold” enough to show the world that they love their entirety through nudes. This might come off as seeking for validation, which might be it. It might have even been done in a bid to make money or remain relevant because “breaking the internet” or just for the purpose of personal thrill, but there are still those who do it for self appreciation or as a means of representing a brand that way, to tell a story or describe an art.

    Plot twist: I am Nigerian and it’s unethical to post pictures of you in your birthday suit. Banky W knows better.

    Yes, I can go ahead and marry someone who has had their nudes on the internet before. This would depend on how much I love whoever and not even about how committed I am to them. I might have a problem with them if it was a major past they never mentioned, and one I never got to find out myself until later. Anyway, for the nudes, I’d still love to know about everything surrounding them. That way, I can feel sane.

    What I am not sure I can live with is if this thing is something you do for a living or one that you have to do even after marriage. It’s something about me loving privacy and loving it hard, plus I want to be the only one who gets to see you that way, to be honest. If we are going to get married, you are going to have to find other fun activities like mountaineering, doing the dishes or any of Nigerian extreme sports. If you feel the need to show nudes, I want to be the only one who sees them. That isn’t too much to ask of my man, yea?

    P.S. Whenever I mention nude on here, I mean stark naked nude.

    Well, for sex videos, I don’t know really. It’s one thing knowing you’ve been with someone else that way, it’s quite different knowing that there is always going to be an internet reminder somewhere. It’s still another thing knowing if it was deliberately posted by you or just leaked by your past lover or a third party. If it was in the past, it’s a yes for me after you clear things with me.

    Somewhere in our subconsciousness, we know sex should be private but we are all almost thrilled seeing others act out what many of us do behind closed doors and beneath sheets. This explains the hurt and reduced self esteem when it is released by somebody else. I am just trying to explain that nobody really wants anyone seeing them snake it out in bed except money is involved maybe. Imagine your parents having to watch your video. Even white parents would be hurt a bit if not so much.

    These things could be a match to gasoline situation for the persons involved in a relationship, so communication is always best. These things could happen to anybody also.

    I have said too much already. It’s your turn to talk to me. What do you think?

    Have a turnt weekend babies. Happy December babies.

    New Rules – Dua Lipa

    The code? Respect it?

    Picture : Patrick (Socialight NG)

    Ever heard of the code? The one which states that you don’t and never date someone your friend or sibling has dated before?

    Are you familiar with the situation where you and your friend’s ex start getting attracted to each other but cannot act on those feelings, at least not officially, because of a code? If you are not, have you seen anyone who has been in such situation before? Might have acted on it or not, but has been in it all the same

    If yes, then we are good. If No, did you just imagine the possibility? Exactly! So we are all on the same page now.

    I don’t know who came up with this code but it’s one I grew up hearing and seeing people act out. I might have even acted it out before if I recall right. Or maybe not. Taking giant strides into the past isn’t what I want to do now, to be honest.

    Forgive my manners. Can we exchange pleasantries already?

    How are you babies??? Colour me relieved, I am glad to spend my Friday night with you again. I am always happy when i can talk with you. I hope you are with me?

    How hot is it where you stay? Do you feel like you are in pre-hell and have resorted to less clothes like me? I am here thinking harmattan but the sun is not having any of it. The sun is sure winning this battle of weather supremacy in Nigeria, especially the state I live in.

    Back to our topic. I had a guest once who had to stay the night. We got talking and he mentioned something about his brother’s now significant other being someone he dated before. He said that they met in school, found solace in each other and decided to make themselves exclusive to the world. Being someone from a closed knit family of five (3 boys and parents), his family was always interested in girls that the boys were interested in. Apparently, the girl was always welcome to the family house, and everybody treated her right and like a family member. Somehow, they had a big fight which ultimately broke them and showed them in clear terms that they were really not suited for each other.

    Somehow still, she started dating his elder brother. According to him, he never suspected any of this since she stopped coming to the house awhile and he couldn’t tell from a distance . Nobody talked about her absence because they all knew why they broke up in the first place, and knew that it would take thunderbolts from saints in heaven to get them together again.

    Long story cut short, he found that his ex was dating his brother. He said he felt so betrayed and pissed and didn’t speak to either of them for days. He soon came to realize that even though he made some memories with her, she was better suited for his brother, and they looked happier than he had seen either of them in a while.

    He told me how awkward it was for him and his ex especially when she was in the house to see his brother and the entire family. I honestly can understand how awkward it must have been.

    Karma plays life tricks, yea? Sure. The girl is married with a child to the brother now. LOL.

    Yea, what a touching story.

    My two cents on this one? First off, I have a Psychology degree, one I got from the school of common sense. Second off, I have never liked any of my friends’ or sibling’s lovers enough to want to be with them that way. More like, I cancel them off my list of ‘potentials’ unconsciously, I never find them attractive in that sense. Third off, I’m not sure what I’ll do if I am saddled with such; you know, being attracted to someone as much as they are with you and not being able to do anything about it because your friend or sibling has been with them – what if you are supposed to be with them but fate played its twisted game with everybody? What if you are not supposed to be with them? If there is a fallout, I do not want to be within a thousand miles of that fallout. You know these things could be classic honey traps with a lethal sting?

    Anyway, I advise that if you find yourself in such a situation, it’s always best to ask your friend or sibling if they are okay with you seeing their ex in the way they saw them. Majority would say NO which may put you between a rock and a hard place, but it’s okay to know that if they want you happy, they will allow you be with someone who makes you happy no matter how uncomfortable it would be for them, code or no code.

    Truth be told, it is easier said than done. It’s easier to say that if they like you as they say and act, they would allow you be with anyone you want to be even if they have once been with them.

    I have a picture in my head: My best friend telling me she is in love with my ex(especially one I made special memories with) and asking my permission to date them or marry them. The picture doesn’t look good. It might be easier if we are just Hi-Hello friends, to be honest. I know me for myself, and even though he is my ex and I am no more hung up on him, I’d still always think they’d been attracted to each other all the while while I played the middle person role unknowingly (as a best friend, she gets to hear about our blowouts and then advise me on how to go about it because she probably knows him better?). Nah, the picture definitely doesn’t look good. I’d be so pained for a while but still suck it up. This isn’t even the Bieber-Selena-Weekend-Yovanna kind of thing here, so don’t compare. I am talking serious here.

    These unspoken and undocumented code if broken has a way of straining friendships and the siblinghood.

    Yes, I just said siblinghood with so much confidence in my chest, so don’t stare at me like I’m doing cartwheels and not getting recognition for the effort.

    Over to you as usual, what do you think??? Ever been in such situation before?

    P.S Happy birthday to you O-bi-o-ra. God bless you so so. Thanks for supporting me through and through, but can I get sent a piece of your birthday cake so that I can give you three “THROUGHS”?

    Fia – Davido

    At what point in your relationship do you put up pictures of your signifcant other on your social media?

    This was the question one of my friends in school asked me when we went to grab lunch at the Chitis Restaurant after a seminar class that almost never ended.

    I had to think it through for ten seconds or more before I answered her.
    See what I answered in not exact terms:

    First off, I am not very keen about putting up my pictures on my social media, so putting up my man’s picture would likely face same treatment. It isn’t something about anxiety or being unproud of him or not being as in love as he is with me or the “I’m not married to him yet and he cannot come and tie me down” thing or the “‘I don’t want world girls to snatch him” kind of thing. I don’t know what it is but it’s just the way I feel the most

    Okay, maybe it’s because it makes me a bit uncomfortable, I’m not actually sure. It might also have to be about me being quite private about myself to a large extent. Thing is that most people always think they know me well until I reveal a new information about myself which rarely happens. This is what my brother Obiora Flint told me though. He said I could be expressive the most but when it’s closely looked at, I’m not so expressive about my very self, so it’s wrong for anyone to assume they know me so well. LOL. Myself includes my man, my journeys, my pictures, and some other things you wrongly guessed. It might sound a little off but I am private about my birthday too.

    I am not saying that putting up his picture(s) or doing the internet PDA is not something I wouldn’t want to do. I am not saying that I wouldn’t be psyched or thrilled about doing it every once in a while (which could actually be a while). I am jusr saying that it’s not my style. I am the type who wants a 30- persons wedding in a garden or an island with no pictures anywhere on social media (something like Agbani Daregos’s Morrocan one). Weird stuff, huh?

    Well, I concluded my answer by saying that for me it is sort of complicated and I honestly don’t know what phase exactly in the relationship I would want to do such. Only thing I know is that it isn’t going to happen at the early phase or a while after it. He might be the social media mushy type, and I have no problems with it. I just don’t promise to flow smoothly.

    My friend (the one who asked the question) wanted to know what I was scared of. She wanted to know if I was scared of the world putting a figure to my bodycount. I said I wasn’t scared of anything.

    She also pointed out the fact that I show off my friends every now and then on my social media. She wanted to know why bae’s picture wasn’t worthy of same feel. I told her that my friends are part of my other self, and if the lover wants his pictures frequenting my social media, then he’d have to become just my friend, and erase the part of the script when we decided to fall in love with each other.

    We laughed and she gave me her two cents. She was of the opinion that you put bae’s picture eveywhere. She said that she had dated quite a number of times, and all of her boyfriends’ pictures have all gotten spots on her social media especially Instagram.

    It was now my turn to ask questions. I wanted to know what happened when they broke up or quarelled.

    She answered that she put them down especially when it’s an absolute break up, and that if they hooked up again, she always continued from where she stopped. She said that she is very particular about pictures and always wants the favour returned. In her words “I have had to break up with a very cute boy because he never ever put up my pictures on his social media even while I did his almost on a daily. Am I not beautiful? Isn’t he proud of me? He’s a mad boy who has other girlfriends and doesn’t want to cast. The one time he did because of my pressure, he didn’t even indicate that I was the girlfriend. How can I be scaring other prospective boyfriends from my life because of a boy who isn’t proud of me”.

    For her, the moment two persons agree to be in a relationship is the moment they put up each other’s pictures on social media to seal the deal. If they kissed in the physical to seal the deal, it’s okay to put up a picture of them doing so on each other’s social media. I mean, in your face, dear world!

    She also insisted that these boys might have other girlfriends, so it’s only proper that their pictures grace all of her social media. One of their girlfriends or babymamas might see it and save them from going to hell, who knows?

    That was how she felt, and if you look at it well, her analysis is probably correct. She might have been wrong too.

    I know a friend whose boyfriend’s pictures are virtually the only pictures on her instagram, with litters of their couple pictures here and there. Her pictures are also on his social media, so fair game. They are 8 months strong. Thing is that whenever they fight, we the spectators somehow get to find out because the picture uploadings stop that period. When they get back together, we get to know because we see pictures with captions such as “Power couple – stronger than the past!” or “Nothing can break us, I love you baby” and the sorts. I almost wake up to his pictures on her whatsapp status everyday.

    I am not going to judge them just like I wouldn’t want anyone judging me, at least not to my face. People have different ways of telling their significant others that they love and cherish them. That way, their way, might just be what works for them.

    As trivia as this social media and picture topic might be, it has broken so many relationships. Just like one of my blog visitors said when I discussed this topic with him yesterday, it is a topic that shoud be discussed in relationships as soon as they decide to be exclusive. You as a “my baby in the social media face” could end up in a relationship with someone who isn’t about that life, and you end up putting pictures and pictures of them out there without their reciprocatiing it. You might feel attacked at some point, except you couldn’t be bothered. The other party who is cool with professing their love for you offline might start feeling attacked as well. They might not even like that you put their pictures out there but may not find ways of telling you without hurting you.

    At the end, it is just about the two persons in the relationship. If they are at a disparity on the issue, it’s always good to communicate and probably come to a compromise so that everybody is happy.

    That will be all for today babies.

    You know how much I love to hear from you, so what do you think? At what point in your relationship do you start uploading pictures of your significant other? If you are currently in a relationship, at what point did you start doing that? If you aren’t, why?

    Happy Friday! Don’t forget to be awesome this weekend.

    I need to bath myself in Gucci and Gold.

    I need to see chocolate cake that I can’t eat.

    I need to see tons of movies this weekend cuddled in bed alone with a screen directly in my eyes while I squint so badly until I reach out for my glasses and rub my big forehead lightly. As I do this, I’ll also reach for my switched off phone to see if I got any notifications yet. Of course, a blank screen with my clone inside of it would stare back at me and even repeat my actions.

    Or maybe I just need a man for the weekend.

    I think I’m going mental. Bye.

    Major Lazer – Particula Ft. Nasty C, Ice Prince, Jidenna and Patoranking